Bangalore Barracuda: Auto Frantic

Bangalore Barracuda: Auto Frantic: "When I lived in Mumbai I loved using an auto as my primary mode of transportation. I would walk out of my building and simply raise my hand..."

Auto Frantic

When I lived in Mumbai I loved using an auto as my primary mode of transportation. I would walk out of my building and simply raise my hand a there will be an auto waiting at my feet.

Those were good times when all I had to do was tell the name of my destination and the autowalla without making eye contact or speaking a word would roll the meter with a sweet ‘ding’. Once inside I used love the ambience. A canopy of cloth and plastic will give me a false sense of safety. Most autos will have tricked up interiors with lights, agarbathi and mirrors. Some will even have racy pictures of Bollywood’s most provocative bimbos. Using an ancient technique of pulling up a sticklike thing the autowalla will awaken the beast. The auto will roar and send out smoke signals to herald my journey. The wind will play with my hair as I would listen to tacky Hindi songs about love, lust and life. When my destination arrives I make my first and final conversation with the autowalla. I ask “Kitna?” and he will casually look behind into the meter, spit out his paan with the precision of an archer just missing my clothes. His spittle will land on the ground like a microscopic diver – one straight stream of beetle leaves, saliva and a whole lot of germs will form a pool of evidence that he was here. “Ten.” He says wiping his mouth as if some of the liquid had a chance to break free from its trajectory. And there ends my journey from point A to point B.

Cut to Bangalore. Autowallas, well where do I start. They make my insides turn – literally. Thanks to the cheap construction and perennial monsoon conditions, Bangalore roads have more potholes than road. The zero suspension and lack of shock absorbers with rattle your core enough to realign your spine even if you didn’t ask for it.

But this is a problem if you get into an auto. You see the attitude of these autowallas is to make money without working. All they do is sleep in their autos or just stand around drinking tea. If you ask him to take you anywhere, ten autowallas will swarm around you as if they want to offer you a ride. Then before agreeing to take you they will quote an impossible amount. For example - for a ride that costs Rs.30 he will ask for Rs.75. hearing this your face will twist and turn as you do the math. You may think that the other autowallas will take you for less than that. No! You are mistaken. They are there to see your expressions to this guy’s unrealistic demands. There is no way in hell these guys will give you ride unless you pay their quoted amount. You either swallow your pride and cough up the money and take the ride or you just take the bus.

India is prone to inflation. And no one knows it better than our autowallas. In the middle of the journey they decide to charge you more. They will threaten to make you get off in the middle of the road if you don’t agree to pay the amount they ask. I once had a situation where I was asked to pay Rs.50 more than the agreed amount. When I refused to pay I was made to get off the auto in the middle of a big busy road. This autowalla stopped his vehicle and made sure no auto stops for me. He rattled away in Kannada at any autowalla trying to earning his living. It sounded like “Kannada kannada Auto Union, Kannada Kannada madam Rs.50 Kannada, damage auto, kannada!”  . Luckily for me I was on my way to pick up my kid from school and her friend’s mom was passing by in her car and she gave me ride.

If there is one thing that will never change in Bangalore is the change situation. Most people don’t have change or don’t like to do the math and give change. The first words I learned in Kannada was “Change Beku.” Which means I want change. Our autowallas use this to their advantage. They will negotiate amounts like Rs.170, Rs.160 etc. now these are amount that you reluctantly agree to pay. When you get off and give him a Rs.200 note, he takes off.

The worst of the situations is when you are driving behind these autos. Highly underpowered, noisy and the king of pollutants, these autos will sever from left to right and right to left, break as they please and wont make way for a high powered vehicle. Never make the mistake of honking at these guys requesting them to make way for your car. They will purposely get in your way and make you wish you were driving a road roller and flatten the auto, fold it and hang it on your mirror as a reminder to all autowallas in Bangalore.

Maybe I sound bitter because Mumbai had spoiled me. But I sure hope these guys mend their ways for their own good.

Mommy News

Good evening and welcome to Mom’s news at 10.

In today’s news –

Major cussing on Highway 101.

Search for missing solemate of my favorite sandals continues

Surviving the economy – a mother’s guide

Major catastrophe averted once again by the Invisible Mother.

All this, the weather, sports, entertainment and more…

Hello everybody this is Mom and welcome to my edition of the news.

Today was another day just like yesterday and more like the day before that.

I read in the newspaper that the economy is tanking, people are losing jobs, house prices are dipping and there is a BOGO sale in my favorite shoe shop.

I dropped the kids in school, picked up the drying cleaning, folded piles and piles of laundry and threw out a moldy ‘I don’t know what the hell this is’ I found under my kid’s bed.

While running errands I was almost rear ended by a guy in truck on highway 101. I told him I don’t care for his attitude or the needlework on his arm. I didn’t quiet use such civil words but damn it felt good.

Later that day I clipped coupons, looked for in-store sales and saved $10. I spent $100 and it was just a milk run. But hey did you read – I saved $10!

In public relations news

During the rush hour commute I spoke with some of my closest friends while on hands free. I laughed at the joke one friend made about her waistline. Hung up. Looked at my waistline sighed and pulled into Starbucks for a ‘pick me up’.

I also spoke to my friend who makes me sad, a friend who makes me glad, a friend who makes me feel bad and emailed my dad.

 A major catastrophe was averted today when the little one almost spilled a cup of milk on the brand new coffee table. The brave mother that I am I used my catlike reflexes to grab the cup before it hit the table. Among the things that were saved were Dad’s laptop, his active card, his cell phone, my magazines and I think something that looked like a Lego construction! If I hadn’t acted so quickly the rug would have been at the cleaners as we speak. As usual no one noticed the Invisible Mother and everyone went about their day.

Another problem I solved today!

In weather

Looks like there is going to be a lot of changes in weather this week. Plenty of sunshine and happiness tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. Tomorrow’s sunshine will come from the BOGO sale. The day after that I am meeting my dear friend who studied with me in high school. Starting Monday it will be windy and stormy and lots of dark clouds. Aunt Judgmental is visiting us . Hopefully after she leaves the gloomy weather will change.

In health news –

Today was also a bad day for my diet. At 9.00 am I ate leftover cheerios from my kids bowl. At 11, I was feeling light headed and I inhaled a large snikers bar. At 2.00 pm I ate half a hot dog and 2 olives. At 4 I ate left over mac and cheese. I kept myself hydrated with ¾ of  a pouch of fruit punch, 2 cans of soda and 6 cups of coffee.

In sports

It was a long day at soccer. The little one spilled yogurt on my clothes as I was getting her out of her car seat. I didn’t have time to run a comb through my hair and I looked like a mess. But I did get a lot of worthless information about General Hospital, Desperate Housewives and some woman in my neighborhood who is almost sleeping with the coach’s brother! (even I don’t know what ‘almost’ means)!

In other sporting activity, I made a sprint to the doctor’s office with the baby, diaper bag and a large umbrella. I reached only three minutes late and the greatest victory was when the doctor said the baby doesn’t have an ear infection.

I dodged a bullet when I hid from the annoying lady in my neighborhood who gossips about people I don’t know…if I knew who she was talking about then it’s a different story.

In entertainment

I think I saw Michael Cain at the grocery store bending over and smelling a cantaloupe. I am not sure if it was him because I wonder what would a British actor do in my neighborhood unless he decided to become an IT professional.

I waved to Julia this morning when I was getting the paper. Her husband’s name is Richard. Every time I see them I think of the all time great American screen couple – Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. 

After a long evening of homework, reading, blowing bubbles, playing hopscotch, hide and seek while fixing dinner and loading the laundry I  made the kids eat their dinner have their bath and clean the mess they made. It’s finally time to tuck them in.

Now the time is 10 pm. My kids are asleep and I am watching the 10 o clock news. A lot happened in the world. Stock markets rose and fell, some people made it through their day others did not. My world is small but a lot happens in it too. I have some thing that gets me through the day – my family.